Be the kind of Kinkster you want to see in the world

• Do your own research. IDGAF if you are the receiver or giver, if an act is sexual, platonic, physical or emotional.

• Know what the risks are and how to manage them. Talk to your partner(s) and make sure everyone is on the same page.

• Practice. Start on an inanimate object. Then try it on yourself/have someone do it to you. What is your measure for feeling skilled enough to take the show on the road? Ex: throwing a flogger? Maybe you want to be able to hit your desired target 15x in a row in a practice session.

• Do you know enough to know what you don’t know? Learning from one source, taking one class at an event, trying it at home once- none of these is going to make for a safe experience.

• Know how to clean your gear. Know how to disinfect, sanitize, and/or sterilize your gear. Know the difference between disinfecting, sanitizing and sterilizing.

Communication

• Be transparent. Share your level of experience with an act or dynamic.

• Ask about physical and emotional needs. Triggers, injuries, tender spots, words/acts that are gender good, aftercare needs.

Wondering what to take to a Kink Event?

Going to a kink event and wondering what to bring?

Good news- I have ADHD with a long time hyper-fixation on kink and a hard on for organization. I got you.

First — you’re gonna need a bag…

• I take my backpack purse for daytime events. It fits all my bits and bobs with room for vender finds.

• Backpacks, even small ones, can be bulky for evening events. That’s where festival belts and holsters come in handy.

• Wrist wallets make getting to cards and cash easy.

🔥Hawt Tip: Go for packs with hooks (or add your own). Now you have a place to hang short handled floggers, paddles, etc. 🔥

So.. What goes in the bag?

You don’t want to get there, giddy and exited, only to end up distracted and cranky because you are uncomfortable, stuck with a wardrobe malfunction or aren’t able to participate in an event.

A prepared player is a popular player.

Here are some helpful breakdowns and notes:

• Cash- strip shows/ drag performances? bring $1’s

• Clothing Repair Kit- mini fabric glue, shout wipes, safety pins, needle, pins, black and white thread, folding travel scissors, fashion tape, electrical tape, sticky back velcro strips (heavy duty), zip ties, button, snap, hook, super glue, eyelash glue

• First Aid Kit- bandages in various sizes, antibiotic ointment packets, individual alcohol wipes, burn gel packet, smelling salts, blister patches, single dose eye drops, hydration booster, emergen-C, hand sanitizer, compressed towels, medication (pain/fever, allergies, gas, diarrhea, nausea, cough suppressant, decongestant…)

• Matches? Here’s why.

Ok- so we have the fundamentals. But-

How do we choose which play things to bring?

🥵 Before we get into all of the options- let’s center. 😌

We want to have fun but we don’t want to spend the entire event lugging a bunch of stuff around or going back and forth from our rooms to the event space. Here are some guidelines I use when packing:

• First time to any event? To this particular event? Know this: No one is expecting anything from you other than respect. Relax. People watch. Get a feel for it and enjoy the hell out of people watching. The exhibitionists will thank you for it.

• Plan your play. Know what you want to do. Impact scene? Bondage? Less is more, I promise. We don’t need a bunch of stuff to improvise.

• Setting up a scene with someone new? Stick to just one. Maybe 2 if you aren’t going with a partner and the event is a multi day event.

• USE A SCENE PLANNER! One that all parties fill out! Here’s mine.

• Don’t plan a scene the day that you arrive if you are going to a multi-day event.

• Excited to make new friends? Try new things? Yes! And you can. But- are you there with a partner(s)? Friends? Prioritize playing and spending time with your people.

• Pack no more than 2 outfits per day. Shoot for layered outfit changes. Rather than 2 different outfits have your daytime look shift into your nighttime look by removing a thing or two, adding an accessory or two. Bonus points if you can fit it all in your bag.

• Small. One time use. Disposables. Awful normally. In this case- very much your friend.

• You. Need. Substantive. Food.

Ok, Ok- Now to the play things. Let’s start here:

Remember- keep it simple. We are not packing all of these things- we are packing the things that go with our play plan.

• Rope: Most events have Shibari classes. To practice along 2x (15ft) lengths and 1x (30ft) should do you.

  • 🔥Have a scene that requires a bit of rope? Don’t carry it. Use some decorative bondage to wear it to the event. Taking a partner who would be into it? Decorate them. Rope corsets/gauntlets are great🔥

  • DON’T forget your safety scissors!

• Bondage Tape: this stuff is great. It’s a PVC strip that sticks to itself but not anything else. The rolls can be bulky- cut a cardboard toilet paper roll down and wrap it around that.

• Martingale Collar: This is great for creating a sense of control/being controlled without packing a bunch of cuffs. Attach a short lead to it and give it a tug when you want to remind your partner who’s in control (if that is part of your play)

• Cuffs: Every dungeon has spanking benches and at least one St. Andrews Cross. If you want to be anchored/anchor a partner to said structure, bring wrist and ankle cuffs. Don’t forget your carabiners / double ended bolt snaps.

• Leashes: Leashes can be tricky in an event space. They can disrupt traffic and holding them can get tiresome. Consider a shorter, double ended leash. Have the leashed person wear a waist cuff and the leash ‘holder’ wear a waist chain or a harness with a ring on the back. Connect those two and now everyone has free use of their hands.

  • 🔥A sturdy purse strap chain sourced from a Goodwill find is perfect for this. The hooks have the ability to swivel and the chain is durable without being heavy or bulky 🔥

How to manage shame by finding its roots

Shame can make you believe that you are not smart enough, good enough, attractive enough, are unlovable and are deserving of suffering. Shame is the feeling that you, in some way or another, are wrong. It is something you’ve been incubating for decades. If you were repeatedly given a label, stigmatized, made fun of or stereotyped- these are the seeds of shame and they can become the lens through which you see yourself. How can you start to manage shame?

Find the root. Think back on when your problems started. What was going on then? Who were the big influences in your life? What messages, labels or stereotypes were you given by those around you? What negative beliefs about yourself did those create?

Get real with yourself. Who are you? What are your personality traits? What are your strengths? What are you good at? What do you enjoy? Also- what are your shortcomings? What do you find hard to do? List these WITHOUT judging them. Remember: they do not change your value or worth. Those weaknesses are not the whole of you and if you can see them for what they are- known road blocks- you can work around them. Acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. This isn’t about labels, its about knowing how you function.

Evaluate the source. For each negative belief you have about yourself identify the person(s) that helped plant it. Who would you have to be to make them happy? What interests, political beliefs or personal values would you have to have? What would you have to dress like or look like? Now, compare this person to the person you are. Do you actually want to be that person?

I once had a supervisor that made me feel like I was a complete mess- that I was strange and couldn’t do anything well enough. When I reflected on who I would have to be to actually be enough for her I found: I would have to wear feminine clothes, ditch the jeans, stop swearing, drop my love of all things creepy, become organized to the point of near obsession, judge people based on their appearances and make friends accordingly, I would have to try to “fit in”.

The person I just described is the literal opposite of who I would ever want to be. Once I realized that, I realized that my “not being good enough” for her meant I was, in fact, being good enough for me.

Re-brand your ‘failures’. Often when we fail at something we see that as the final and ultimate proof that we are not good enough, smart enough, et c for that particular task or skill. The reality is that ‘failures’, or misses, are a natural part of learning. Without misses you never improve. This is true for skills like sewing or woodwork but it is also true of skills like managing stress, being social, even having healthy relationships.

Get help. Maybe you find that you can’t find the root of your shame or you even identify what you feel shame about. Maybe you can but the thought is so devastating that you are terrified of going there. Maybe your shame is tied to your sexual orientation or gender. Pushing it off only means that the shame has more time to consume you. It is time to get help. Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and get some of this garbage off of your back.

Guilt and shame are so closely related they can be hard to separate. Guilt is the fuel that keeps the shame cycle alive.

Click here to get to my blog post on managing guilt.

Need Help Dealing with Shame? Stop Avoiding It.

Shame: by its nature it’s something we avoid looking at it at all costs.

Instead we relegate it to the locked chest in the back of our minds. Then we cover the chest with a blanket so we can’t even see that. The problem: while it’s sitting there it’s slowly but constantly eating away at our sense of worthiness. It never stops. On occasion when we are feeling particularly undeserving the chest bursts open Jack-in-the-Box style so we can use that shame as evidence proving our worthlessness.

So, how can you manage shame? First- let’s tackle guilt. This is a kind of shame we attach to something we did or did not do.

Meet yourself where you were at. You are looking at it as you are now- with years of learning separating who you are now to who you were then. That’s not how life works.

Be your own therapist here- ask yourself: what was really happening for you in that moment?

• What were your initial emotional motivations?

• What were you feeling? Fear? Sadness? Anger?

• Could you think straight?

• What DIDN’T you know and what resources DIDN’T you have?

What does this look like in practice?

Here is a personal example (yep, even your mental health professional struggles with shame). When we lost our first dog I felt entirely responsible for it. I had taken him to the vet for allergy issues and he was prescribed monthly steroid shots. I was hesitant but my vet assured me his life would be so much more comfortable- so I caved. After a few months he had a seizure- I rushed him to a late night ER and then back to his usual vet in the morning. I heard nothing. So much time was wasted. Finally I asked my vet where he would take his dog in this situation. Then I packed that pup up and we were gone. He was in so much pain. We found out too late that the steroid shots had caused an avalanche of problems. If he was going to make it his life was going to be a hard one. I fought for that chance anyway but he never came home.

The guilt consumed me. Finally I asked myself: what was really happening?

• What were my initial motivations? I just wanted him to be happy and I trusted my vet.

• What was I feeling? Terrified, desperation, overwhelmed, confusion.

• Could I think straight? Not at all. I was in a state of pure, unrefined panic.

• What didn’t I know? Everything. I’m a therapist- I don’t know anything about pet medicine. And I definitely didn’t have the wherewithal at the time to do research let alone be able to process it.

Looking back on myself in that way I realized: I did the best with what I had at that time. All of my ‘mistakes’ came from a love for my dog, sheer terror and a lack of knowledge. Now I know: always get 3 opinions. Get pet insurance. Never be afraid to fire your vet. But, I can’t look at myself then and say “you should have known these things”. Of course I didn’t- that nightmare was how I learned them.

It was not my fault that this happened. That is not how it works.

This happened and I responded the best that I could at the time. It is no different for you. The thing that you are ashamed of- where were you really at? Were you scared? Could you think straight? What were your emotional motivations? What knowledge do you have now that you didn’t have then?

The only way to really deal with shame is to humanize yourself, a kindness we rarely afford ourselves.

While guilt and shame are separate they are very closely tied to one another. Guilt is related to something you have done or not done. Shame is a core belief that you are not good enough or are inherently wrong. Up next we tackle shame. If you want to know when that drops follow me on facebook and keep an eye out.

Holiday Survival Guide: Don't Drive on Empty

What is the #1 thing you can do now to make sure you don’t turn into an emotional puddle for the holidays?

Self care, naturally.

I know you just made a face at that. I don’t even need to see your face to know your face.

Your ability to deal is not static. The amount of emotional reserve you have makes or breaks you, literally.

If you never fill the gas tank your car is going to break down. I know you know where I am going with this. Your ability to emotionally deal uses emotional reserve. If you don’t fill that tank- you guessed it. You are going to break down. My guess is that it’s happened to you before (because it has happened to all of us- probably several times)

So what is your ratio?

I want to know. Or, more specifically: I want you to know.

How often do you pull from your emotional reservoir in a day? Now- how many times do you put back into your emotional reservoir? There you have it, your ratio.

Draws to Refills

Don’t Have the Time for Self Care?

Know this: you are the only one that can refill your tank and if you don’t you’re setting yourself up for a really bad time. Find little things you can do here an there as you go through your day and build them into your routine.

Everyone is going to have something that works different for them. Think of things that might work for you and do a few of them for 15 minutes a day. I know it is a trope but go back to your ratio and decide for yourself if it needs tweaking.